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kaiserkuchenDEAR IMMUNE SYSTEM, I would like you to stop right there and not even think about starting to fail on me. The raspy cough that is beginning to get more intense as the hours go on, the weird way I seem to be aching everywhere, the delicate beginnings of a headache and the surprising lack of appetite? Kindly fuck off and die. I have already taken two Vitamin C tablets today, I am guzzling enough water and will be bundling up like woah when I head out for dinner with Carmen and her visiting sister, so THAT WILL BE THAT. Ugh, cold weather sickness woes, DNW!
Today has not been all that good of a day so far, so I really hope dinner at the Shanghai Tan will lift things up a bit. Thought I'd have a long-overdue nice phonecall with my Dad again, but that turned sour real quick. It's my fault for forgetting the key rule when Talking To Dad About University/My Future: LIE. LIE LIKE THE DICKENS. It's apparently useless trying to explain that given the unknown timespan getting all my paperwork processed will take, I haven't actually sent out any job applications yet. All the agencies and what-not right now are only looking for positions to start Jan or early Feb, and that is a time I know for sure I won't be done yet (even in the best case scenario when I pass ABWL). But of course, all this reads as excuses to him, and me not holding up my end of the apparent bargain we eked out in the summer. Thus, he was also not all that happy with my plan to come back home for a month in mid Feb, and well. Oh man. I know he only means well, and has my best interests at heart, but the way he says it never fails to rankle or reduce me to ridiculous tears because it always sounds like he is disappointed and insinuating things about my failure/idiocy/naivete/whathaveyou. Which is at least somewhat dealable over the phone, but hah, there have been many awkward and super snot-filled bawlfests in person in the past.
But, nothing I can do I guess. Will continue to try and at least get my CV and cover letters translated, my application papers scanned in and such this month, and I'll just start sending off things in the beginning of January then. It's times like these where I intensely wish that I could just say FUCK IT and go back to Bangkok, but even super-whiny self-pity party queen me knows that it's a stupid idea given the pittance I would earn. If only if only. I guess this is one of the things I at least enjoy about this half-life you live in university: You have all this time, and you can sometimes hid from decisions behind it, but eventually the clock does run out. I know that immediate Masters programs are out of the question for me, both due to intense personal disdain for the theoretical/dry curriculum in Vienna and parental no-nos-- but the idea of postponing it all some more did have its moment of temptation.
Today has not been all that good of a day so far, so I really hope dinner at the Shanghai Tan will lift things up a bit. Thought I'd have a long-overdue nice phonecall with my Dad again, but that turned sour real quick. It's my fault for forgetting the key rule when Talking To Dad About University/My Future: LIE. LIE LIKE THE DICKENS. It's apparently useless trying to explain that given the unknown timespan getting all my paperwork processed will take, I haven't actually sent out any job applications yet. All the agencies and what-not right now are only looking for positions to start Jan or early Feb, and that is a time I know for sure I won't be done yet (even in the best case scenario when I pass ABWL). But of course, all this reads as excuses to him, and me not holding up my end of the apparent bargain we eked out in the summer. Thus, he was also not all that happy with my plan to come back home for a month in mid Feb, and well. Oh man. I know he only means well, and has my best interests at heart, but the way he says it never fails to rankle or reduce me to ridiculous tears because it always sounds like he is disappointed and insinuating things about my failure/idiocy/naivete/whathaveyou. Which is at least somewhat dealable over the phone, but hah, there have been many awkward and super snot-filled bawlfests in person in the past.
But, nothing I can do I guess. Will continue to try and at least get my CV and cover letters translated, my application papers scanned in and such this month, and I'll just start sending off things in the beginning of January then. It's times like these where I intensely wish that I could just say FUCK IT and go back to Bangkok, but even super-whiny self-pity party queen me knows that it's a stupid idea given the pittance I would earn. If only if only. I guess this is one of the things I at least enjoy about this half-life you live in university: You have all this time, and you can sometimes hid from decisions behind it, but eventually the clock does run out. I know that immediate Masters programs are out of the question for me, both due to intense personal disdain for the theoretical/dry curriculum in Vienna and parental no-nos-- but the idea of postponing it all some more did have its moment of temptation.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-16 10:26 pm (UTC)The rest of this has me doing an epic sadface, too. I'm so sorry your day sucked so bad, Shaz. I really wish I could call you and remind you how freaking AWESOME you are--no matter whether it sounds like your dad is disappointed, you are definitely NOT a failure, an idiot, or naive. You are super fantastic and SUPER SMART, too. You're going to get an awesome job (or at least one that pays some money, until you can get a better one) and you are going to figure it out. I have no doubt. ♥ Imagine I am engulfing you in a big hug right now, because I certainly am in my head.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:09 pm (UTC)AND DUDE, YOUR COMMENT ♥ ♥ I WAS TEARY-EYED BECAUSE IT WAS SO WONDERFUL AND AHHH THANK YOU. Everything kind of is starting to work out again, so I am trying to put that behind me and hope for the best! AND INTERNET HUGS ARE PERFECT RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I AM GERMY AND GROSS AND DO NOT WANT TO PULL YOU BACK DOWN THE ABYSS OF SICKNESS. I wouldn't mind infecting Sabrina though, if only I were not filled with horror at the idea of how much more grosser a Sick!Sabrina would be. I am sure we would have things in the bathroom suddenly come to life or something!! BRRRRR
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-16 10:54 pm (UTC)Sigh your phone calls with your father sound incredibly familiar :( Probably cause I have the same conversations with my dad /o\ *hugs* Don't ever feel like you're a disappointment or a failure bb. You're doing things and have already accomplished things at your young age that most people can never even hope to do in their lifetime ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:36 pm (UTC)And thank you for those lovely words ♥ It really does seem to be a Dad thing sometimes, ahhh one of those universal constants, I guess! Things have already started looking up a bit though, so 2009 doesn't have to end on an uni note of despair, woo :Db